blogs are too much work to keep up with....

so weekend update.
I didn't get into Tanglewood and I am not really bothered. I had a feeling I wouldn't be accepted, and to be honest, the time just isn't right. Now all I have to wait on are my lovely schools.
btw
BU I am kind of pissed at. They STILL have "not received" my transcript of which I have sent two copies, and furthermore(though this is my fault) they have my school listed as "Northern Essex Community College-Lawrence Gen. Hosp"
WTF?
bitch isn't even a fucking school! It's a hospital!!
ugh so now I guess I have to like call them, and we all know how much I LOVE the telephone...
I want to go somewhere this summer. That requires some financial organization on my part, something which I basically fail at. I swear I need an accountant because I am a flake and honestly I try to account for all my money but very often my calculations are off and thus my current, seemingly insurmountable debt.
the sad part...
its 450.00$
like ru kidding me?
why can't I pay that?
I find myself sitting here laughing at myself and my complete inability to pay such a menail amount of money when I get paid like 120.00-150.00 each week.

clearly I have an issue...

so today

was an interesting day.
I went to an astrologist who read my brith chart, and my charts for the upcoming summer months. What she said to me was interesting, and kinda calmed me down, thankfully. She said in May I will be moving. )Lenox? TANGLEWOOD?!) and that quite soon my job situation will change drastically. SHe also said this summer will be the time when I build my reputation. I really cannot wait for this summer.
No more school.
no Gap.
new place.
Music!
Good, really good music!
new school
studying what I want, for a change...
She also said someone really important in my life is making his/her presence known to me very soon, if not now.
So, on a diffferent note.
I spoke to Tony AKA Shaw's boy recently, he said "Of course!!" we could ahdn, and he is available Monday and Tuesday. Herein lies the issue. both those days I am busy. I mean, I could skip my night class Monday, but I kinda don't want to, its a 3 hour class. Tuesday I am working pretty much all day, so there isn;t any wiggle room.
I just am not sure what course to take. I also have a rather large paper due for the night class, based on a book which im not ven 1/2 way through. go me.
soo like my biggest fear right now is that I want to be amazing at whatever I do, but that I'm not willing to put in the ffort, and thus I will be average and banal.
it's a huge struggle for me to overcome my penchant for mediocrity. Everday I walk around touting how I want everytihng to be perfect and the best it can, yet I produce only like 75% of my best. What is wrong with me that expect so much from others, yet produce less than what I expect?
Is it because I am overextending myself?
Am I just lazy?
Am I just like everyone else?
Should I seek professional help to overcome this?
It's really easy to say "Im trying", but to say "I'm doing" and actually "do"is MUCH harder. Does anyone else agree?
I have this tendency to just be "above" rules and do as I please, yet I'm finding that to be amazing at whatever, I really need to put my previous notions of being "above" to rest. I'm not as good as once thought, and I need to just accept that my talent isn't enough. I need to actually commit and sweat a little bit. I'm also fiding I want to "sweat" over like two things: singing and art (design). for those two things, and they alone I am willing to sweat, and take my time, and follow the rules.
For all other jobs, and classes and whatevers, I do as I please. Fuck the rules.
Listeing to: "Ne Poy Krasavitsa Pri Mne" S. Rachmaninov performed by: Anna Netrebko.