So the12th was my birthday.I turned 19. By now,I've gotten used to having a lakckluster birthday. Every year, what I expect and what actually transpires are two very different things; what I expect is not much; just to have a nice cake, perhaps a nice present all wrapped up, and for people to just let me do my own thing, for one day. No one on my back about my shoes or anything silly. What happens?
The power goes out on the 11th, and thus I cannot shower, on my birthday becayse we don't have power. I have to go to work at 8 AM (which wasn't bad, I don't mind working on my bday) all unshowered and looking like a hot mess. I come home and have to vaccuum water out of my basement, and sit in the dark. Woo-hoo. ANd when I went out to dinner, I couldn't even order what I really wated, because it was too expensive and would detract from my gift, which was money. But whatever, all that I cared about at thispoint ws that I would get to have my chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting. Do I get it? Nope. Instead, we go to Stop and shop and buy a mediocre cake and bring it to myfamily's christmas party. So, my mom pulls it out of the fridge to serve it. She balances it one one hand much like a waiter would do, and what happens??
It fell.
On the floor.
With me right there.
I was like........................
Are you kidding me?
although. later on I was happy because that meant I could have my mom cook me the cake I really wanted. Which she is doing right now.
Funny how that worked out.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I fucking hate pie.
Pie is just fucking nasty. It's like the wal-mart of the dessert world, I feel: WAY too over popular (usually by people who shop at wal-mart, incidentally) and just blah and uninteresting. Pie is just so fucking nasty! With its dry crust, too gooey fruit or pudding filling. I hate it. And for my holidays, it's all my family makes! I just want to die every time I see pie sitting on the friggin food table at my nana's house. Really I just want to like throw it away. So, this year, I'm gunna make something I like; perhaps a Tiramisu or some holiday cake, something that is actually worth the effort it takes to make my way through the overcrowded kitchen, grab a plate, grab a eating untensil, serve a piece of shitty disgusting pie (because again its like all my family knows) Then find a place to sit and eat it. Which, incidentally, doesn't usually happen, so I end up standing which is even more unsavory. Damn it, I want to sit and eat my dessert! Why is that SUCH a challenge?
Ugh I just hate pie. It really ends up ruining my enjoyment of holiday desserts. I turn on the food network alot to find Paula Deen or Giada De Laurentiis making something amazing; such as a chocolate creme brulee or a lovely trifle. I see this and become hopeful; Maybe, just MAYBE someone will acquire some good taste and oh I don't know NOT make a pie, but make a trifle. I arrive at the party, every year all excited, waiting to look at the table and NOT see a pie glaring at me. I ask politely, "So what's for dessert?" the anticipation builds inside. NO pie!
"Oh, we have applie Pie, cherry pie and chocolate creme Pie, your favorite!" (being genuine. They really think I like pie)
and then, I die inside and slump away to a chair, not near the ungodly pie.
Ugh I just hate pie. It really ends up ruining my enjoyment of holiday desserts. I turn on the food network alot to find Paula Deen or Giada De Laurentiis making something amazing; such as a chocolate creme brulee or a lovely trifle. I see this and become hopeful; Maybe, just MAYBE someone will acquire some good taste and oh I don't know NOT make a pie, but make a trifle. I arrive at the party, every year all excited, waiting to look at the table and NOT see a pie glaring at me. I ask politely, "So what's for dessert?" the anticipation builds inside. NO pie!
"Oh, we have applie Pie, cherry pie and chocolate creme Pie, your favorite!" (being genuine. They really think I like pie)
and then, I die inside and slump away to a chair, not near the ungodly pie.
oh boy blogging!
So, I am not a terribly wonderful blogger, I think, but I'll try.
I just recently signed basck in, mainly to seek this one blogger. I have no idea what her username is, but my friend subscribes to her blogs and supposedly they are amazing. I want in on that shit, like truly. Supposedly she's like a fashionista who completely is blase about what is "Important" in life, like school, and just focuses on people watching. I must confess I am very similar and I'm glad to know there are others. I notice things like how frumpy my teacher looks during a day, or how that woman's hair is completely frizzed out. Like today, for instance; I was at a dance performance at my school and it was people watching HEAVEN. For instance, in the crowd, there was: a woman with an OUTRAGEOUS scrunchie. Like, I felt like I was in Mexico, and she was a young girl's mother and they were returning home from oh I don't know an event in town. SHe was very reminiscent of an aged yet graceful Spanish dancer, thanks to her beautiful black tulle scrunchie. Another man had a completely horrendous moustache and it distracted me quite a bit; I really wanted to shave it off him, but I kept my cool. Then, the dance professor walks out to introduce her class. She was an extremely stereotypical "artist" dancer. She was wearing all black; she had an amazing body and she pranced when she walked. as she walked out, I thought in my head in a semi-prissy female voice "Hii, thank you soo much for coming. This is my amazing group of dancers, and I am SOO proud of them; all the girls have worked SO hard and their efforts have truly paid off."
What does she say?
the same thing. Just with a little more priss in her voice and a little more tension in her mouth. I died in my chair. Then, the lights dimmed in a dramatic fashion, and the show commenced. Myself, personally I really think interpretive dance is like............a giant joke. I'm sorry but to see someone making senseless and overwraught girations to overemotional indie rock just does not work for me. The performance was like 3/4 of that mess. I again died in my seat. I could barely contain myself. and worse, I really thought Miss. intensity teacher was going to (dramatically) interrupt the show
point at me and say "Sir, in the black coat-"
"Me?" (I point to myself incredulously)
"Yes. You are being very rude. How dare you! That's it. Leave right now. nah mm-mm you're done! Go!" and thrust her finer towards the door all intense like. I really thought that shit would go down. SO what do I do? persist in my fit of silent yet noticeable laughter.
Don't judge me, I'm human.
I just recently signed basck in, mainly to seek this one blogger. I have no idea what her username is, but my friend subscribes to her blogs and supposedly they are amazing. I want in on that shit, like truly. Supposedly she's like a fashionista who completely is blase about what is "Important" in life, like school, and just focuses on people watching. I must confess I am very similar and I'm glad to know there are others. I notice things like how frumpy my teacher looks during a day, or how that woman's hair is completely frizzed out. Like today, for instance; I was at a dance performance at my school and it was people watching HEAVEN. For instance, in the crowd, there was: a woman with an OUTRAGEOUS scrunchie. Like, I felt like I was in Mexico, and she was a young girl's mother and they were returning home from oh I don't know an event in town. SHe was very reminiscent of an aged yet graceful Spanish dancer, thanks to her beautiful black tulle scrunchie. Another man had a completely horrendous moustache and it distracted me quite a bit; I really wanted to shave it off him, but I kept my cool. Then, the dance professor walks out to introduce her class. She was an extremely stereotypical "artist" dancer. She was wearing all black; she had an amazing body and she pranced when she walked. as she walked out, I thought in my head in a semi-prissy female voice "Hii, thank you soo much for coming. This is my amazing group of dancers, and I am SOO proud of them; all the girls have worked SO hard and their efforts have truly paid off."
What does she say?
the same thing. Just with a little more priss in her voice and a little more tension in her mouth. I died in my chair. Then, the lights dimmed in a dramatic fashion, and the show commenced. Myself, personally I really think interpretive dance is like............a giant joke. I'm sorry but to see someone making senseless and overwraught girations to overemotional indie rock just does not work for me. The performance was like 3/4 of that mess. I again died in my seat. I could barely contain myself. and worse, I really thought Miss. intensity teacher was going to (dramatically) interrupt the show
point at me and say "Sir, in the black coat-"
"Me?" (I point to myself incredulously)
"Yes. You are being very rude. How dare you! That's it. Leave right now. nah mm-mm you're done! Go!" and thrust her finer towards the door all intense like. I really thought that shit would go down. SO what do I do? persist in my fit of silent yet noticeable laughter.
Don't judge me, I'm human.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Huh?
So my basically best friend just told me she has cancer. She's 18 years old. To me, this is so out of left field I don't even know how to handle this news. and what makes it worse is that all week I've been reevaluating my friendship with her. Lately she had been toting this disgusting attitude and was clinging to me like nothing I had seen before. I had no idea she was harboring this secret of Cancer so I j ignored her for a while. She IM'd me today and I explained to her why I was ignoring her. However, I didn't mention that I had been thinking that maybe I shouldnt be friends with her. I had observed tis change for awhile and I reasoned she might j be like this forever, which brought me to "Do I want to be around someone like that?" I said no. And now I find out she has cancer. It makes sense why she was acting in that manner.
so now, I just feel like the worst human ever. Here is this poor girl with a terminal disease, seeking the solace of her best friend, who secretly isnt sure he wants to be friends with her!! that is disgusting and inexcusable! like my brain isnt even processing right now im just so out in left field. I feel AWFUL.
Yet on the plus side, I know that I want to still be her friend and will dutifully be her bffl. It's just all the issues that I complained about to her just pale in comparison to her issue. I mean, do I even have a right to say anything now? My issue is like middle school shit and here she is with cancer.
I still just don't know how to even take that in.
WHAT DO I DO?
I'm feeling panicked. To whom can I speak about this with? Anyone? What if she does die? What then? Can I just pick up my bootstraps as I preach to everyone? Her absence would be an insurmountable blow. My brain is simply refusing to recognize the fact that she may perish. Each time it comes up in my mind, the inner voice just immediately retorts back, "No. She won't."
how do you know??
and the boy who I am totally taken with has a man. Sort of. its complicated. "the boy" and I are friends, and I really don't want to overstep a boundary with a romantic pass. Its so hard to supress my feelings. I just look at him and I melt., and I know he is not interested in me that way, which makes it difficult for me. And last night we cuddled. It was kind of one of the best moments of my life. Silly, I know but w/e. Despite us cuddling, he's not into me. Again, Huh?? Other people who know him better than I all tell me "Danny is just very touchy, he just wanted to touch someone and you happened to be there." Which OK, that makes sense (I guess?) and so while he is caressing me up and down I just have to sit there and swallow my feelings and be just his friend, nothing more. God its so challenging and annoying! Why can't he j like me already?
I mean know life is supposed to be hard but come on!
Cancer?
unrequited love?
College assignments/classes?
playing psychologist to friends?
financial troubles?
My goodness!
so now, I just feel like the worst human ever. Here is this poor girl with a terminal disease, seeking the solace of her best friend, who secretly isnt sure he wants to be friends with her!! that is disgusting and inexcusable! like my brain isnt even processing right now im just so out in left field. I feel AWFUL.
Yet on the plus side, I know that I want to still be her friend and will dutifully be her bffl. It's just all the issues that I complained about to her just pale in comparison to her issue. I mean, do I even have a right to say anything now? My issue is like middle school shit and here she is with cancer.
I still just don't know how to even take that in.
WHAT DO I DO?
I'm feeling panicked. To whom can I speak about this with? Anyone? What if she does die? What then? Can I just pick up my bootstraps as I preach to everyone? Her absence would be an insurmountable blow. My brain is simply refusing to recognize the fact that she may perish. Each time it comes up in my mind, the inner voice just immediately retorts back, "No. She won't."
how do you know??
and the boy who I am totally taken with has a man. Sort of. its complicated. "the boy" and I are friends, and I really don't want to overstep a boundary with a romantic pass. Its so hard to supress my feelings. I just look at him and I melt., and I know he is not interested in me that way, which makes it difficult for me. And last night we cuddled. It was kind of one of the best moments of my life. Silly, I know but w/e. Despite us cuddling, he's not into me. Again, Huh?? Other people who know him better than I all tell me "Danny is just very touchy, he just wanted to touch someone and you happened to be there." Which OK, that makes sense (I guess?) and so while he is caressing me up and down I just have to sit there and swallow my feelings and be just his friend, nothing more. God its so challenging and annoying! Why can't he j like me already?
I mean know life is supposed to be hard but come on!
Cancer?
unrequited love?
College assignments/classes?
playing psychologist to friends?
financial troubles?
My goodness!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
What to do
I find myself forever confused by love.
It makes me rater paranoid and it bothers me, a lot. Is that how it is supposed to be? Am I right in being so obsessed about a person that he crosses my mind frequently? Is this right?
Today I read a note saying He loved me "To death" but I have no idea. Was he kidding? did he mean it? it drove me nuts all day.
If my love is unrequited it is no big deal, it's not like it hasn't happened before. I'm sure I'll move on. Yet that spark of hope glimmers like when a piece of gold catches the sun, that "What-if" scenario plays itself over and over in my mind. I feel like an utter fool at times, but the prospect of him having feelings like I do just instantly makes my life that much better.
Should I approach him about this note and risk seeming like a love crazed psycho? or do I just sit and let an opportunity pass by? there are a multitude of pro's and con's to each choice.
most likely I'm gunna be a giant loser and sit on my laurels, but who knows? stagnation tends to frustrate me to the point of taking action with gusto.
It makes me rater paranoid and it bothers me, a lot. Is that how it is supposed to be? Am I right in being so obsessed about a person that he crosses my mind frequently? Is this right?
Today I read a note saying He loved me "To death" but I have no idea. Was he kidding? did he mean it? it drove me nuts all day.
If my love is unrequited it is no big deal, it's not like it hasn't happened before. I'm sure I'll move on. Yet that spark of hope glimmers like when a piece of gold catches the sun, that "What-if" scenario plays itself over and over in my mind. I feel like an utter fool at times, but the prospect of him having feelings like I do just instantly makes my life that much better.
Should I approach him about this note and risk seeming like a love crazed psycho? or do I just sit and let an opportunity pass by? there are a multitude of pro's and con's to each choice.
most likely I'm gunna be a giant loser and sit on my laurels, but who knows? stagnation tends to frustrate me to the point of taking action with gusto.
Friday, January 25, 2008
School
School is gay
well, not the school so much as the powers-to-be who decide the regulations of financial aid.
First off, how they calculate financial aid is just dumb.
They look merely at one's annual income, household worth, and car value and that's it. Not ya know, if someone has bills to pay or something such as debt. They told me my family makes too much money to get the financial aid I NEED to pay for school. I simply cannot afford 500.oo payments monthly. It is just unreal for them to expect me to pay that every 30 days, and buy books that are extremely overpriced, and buy supplies, and pay for my car.
OTHER THAN THAT
If music weren't invented I'd probably have to kill myself.
But I cannot dwell on the negativity Life can give me.
well, not the school so much as the powers-to-be who decide the regulations of financial aid.
First off, how they calculate financial aid is just dumb.
They look merely at one's annual income, household worth, and car value and that's it. Not ya know, if someone has bills to pay or something such as debt. They told me my family makes too much money to get the financial aid I NEED to pay for school. I simply cannot afford 500.oo payments monthly. It is just unreal for them to expect me to pay that every 30 days, and buy books that are extremely overpriced, and buy supplies, and pay for my car.
OTHER THAN THAT
If music weren't invented I'd probably have to kill myself.
But I cannot dwell on the negativity Life can give me.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Mr. D
Dear Sir-
The effect you hold over me is completely infathomably strong.
I barely know you as a human being, yet you've captured me body and soul.
and I completely detest admitting this, due to my independence
but there it is.
and I really doubt you have any idea as to the degree of this hold.
I am embarrassed to even admit this, but I cannot deny myself.
Here I am for the first time having feelings more than friendship to another
and there you are, not recognizing and going off with others, claiming its nothing serious.
But, in all honesty, can I truly blame you?
I don't find a plausible reason for my anger towards you but its exists nonetheless.
and the fact that you smoke is absolutely revolting to me.
I know the lesson to be learned here, I'm just not done fuming yet.
this is exactly why I avoid love.
too fucking ridiculous.
I need something to motivate me to move on from you, Sir D.
but finding another you seems an insurmountable task at the moment.
I hope you and ugly are happy.
The effect you hold over me is completely infathomably strong.
I barely know you as a human being, yet you've captured me body and soul.
and I completely detest admitting this, due to my independence
but there it is.
and I really doubt you have any idea as to the degree of this hold.
I am embarrassed to even admit this, but I cannot deny myself.
Here I am for the first time having feelings more than friendship to another
and there you are, not recognizing and going off with others, claiming its nothing serious.
But, in all honesty, can I truly blame you?
I don't find a plausible reason for my anger towards you but its exists nonetheless.
and the fact that you smoke is absolutely revolting to me.
I know the lesson to be learned here, I'm just not done fuming yet.
this is exactly why I avoid love.
too fucking ridiculous.
I need something to motivate me to move on from you, Sir D.
but finding another you seems an insurmountable task at the moment.
I hope you and ugly are happy.
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